Good Morning, !
Today is Saturday, May 26

Have FUN!
Dearwebby

Todays Bonehead Award:
Florida man jailed after he reports 
his illegal gun as stolen
Bonehead
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Today, May 26 in
1521 Martin Luther was banned by the Edict of Worms
because of his religious beliefs and writings. 

More of today in history at HIstory
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Abortion is advocated only by persons who have 
themselves been born.
--- Ronald Reagan (1911 - 2004) 

Ask not what you can do for your country. 
Ask what's for lunch.
--- Orson Welles (1915 - 1985) 
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A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago:
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have
killed most of us sitting here years ago," he said.  "Red meat
is awful.  Soft drinks erode your stomach lining.  Chinese food
is loaded with MSG.  Vegetables can be disastrous, and none
of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our
drinking water.

"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and
we ll have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food
it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after
eating it?"

An elderly gentleman in the front row stood up and said,
"Wedding cake."

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A man with a winking problem is applying for a position
as a sales representative for a large firm. The
interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is
phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools;
your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience
is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a
second thought. However, a sales representative has a
highly visible position, and we're afraid that your
constant winking will scare off potential customers.
I'm sorry...we can't hire you."

"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop
winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and
begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms,
blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms;
finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin.
He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops
winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and
good, but this is a respectable company, and we will
not have our employees womanizing all over the
country!"

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married
man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a
pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"
__________________________________


An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD 
has been earned by

James Denson,
61,
Lake City,
Florida

Florida man jailed after he reports 
his illegal gun as stolen

A Lake City man was jailed after he reported that his son had
stolen his rifle.

The problem? The man, James Denson, is a convicted felon who is not
allowed to own a rifle, the Lake City Police said in a press
release. 
The police said that Denson, 61, told them that his son had stolen
a .22-caliber rifle from his bedroom. When the son was questioned,
he told police that his father was lying and was trying to have him
falsely arrested. 

When Denson was told that he was a convicted felon who was not
allowed to own a firearm, he changed his story and said he didn't
actually possess the gun, police said. 

Denson also said that he took possession of the rifle when he
discovered kids playing with it. He took the rille from them for
their own safety, he told police. 

Denson is charged with possession of a firearm by a convicted
felon.



Tech Support Pits
From: Elva
Re: Cookies

Dear Webby
Why are  alot of sites insisting that I allow cookies? I am
being blocked from sites, even though I paid for access,
and others, that are supposedly free, and all I get is rude
error messages. I don't want my private information
spread by cookies. Is there a way around that?
Elva

Dear Elva
Cookies don't carry private information. They may have,
twenty years ago, but nowadays, cookies are a safe way to
manage the Internet.

For example, if you buy access to a library site, it plants
a cookie with your membership number and possibly your
chosen member name, and maybe even with the membership
number of the person who referred you to the library.

When you go to the library, it checks your library cookie,
and when it is there, it allows you access to the library
and gives a brownie point to the person who referred you.

That's all. It's just like a library card. And just like without
your library card, you won't get access without your cookie. You
would have to dig out your user name and password and log in just
like on your first visit.

Other cookies, like the ones planted by your bank or telephone
company, provide extra security and streamline your access.
Instead of having to go through a dozen menus each time
you go in there to manage your account or pay bills, the
cookie gets you straight to the account that you worked on
last. The cookie does not carry your password or any info
about what is in your accounts, just the routing information
that you need AFTER you have put in your password.

Cookies are also used to track referrers. Businesses spend
big money to get customers. Let's say, for example, you click
on the Breastcancer link, and from there go to the garden
cherubs with solar lights. A cookie will tell the garden
cherub site that the breast cancer site referred you. For every
1000 referrals they pay the breastcancer site 65 cents or
whatever amount they agreed on. Eventually that amounts
to the cost of a mammogram. HOWEVER, if you have cookies
disabled, then you don't count, and they don't have to pay
the breastcancer site.

The cookie that the breastcancer site would have planted,
would not have had any private information about you. It
simply would have told the garden gnome site that
"this visitor was referred by the breastcancer site".

(By the way, I don't plant cookies and the breastcancer site
does not have to pay me. I just carry their ad as a public
service.)

Most cookies expire and disappear in a while. But while they
are carried in your browser, you can read them. You will see
that they do not carry any personal information about you.

Forget the rumors about cookies spread by some misinformed
AOLers twenty years ago, that are still being forwarded. 
Go ahead and allow cookies. If you use CrapCleaner, take the
checkmark off the Cookies. They take very little space and won't
slow you down.

Have FUN
DearWebby




A young woman was so depressed that she decided to end
her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went
down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid
water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on
the edge of the pier crying.

He took pity on her and said, "Look, you've got a lot
to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if
you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take
good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving
closer he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added,
"I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy". The
girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose?

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her
in a lifeboat. From then on every night he brought her
three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made
passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was
discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?"
the Captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she
explained. "I get food and trip to Europe, and he's
having me."

"He sure is, lady," the Captain said. "This is the
Staten Island Ferry."



Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. 
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Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes
and says "I want the men to make two lines. One line for
the men that dominated their women on earth and the other
line for the men that were whipped by their women. Also,
I want all the women to go with St Peter."

Said and done, the next time God looks the women are gone
and there are two lines. The line of the men that were whipped
was 100 miles long, on the line of men that dominated women
there was only one man.

God got mad and said. "You men should be ashamed of
yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all
whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that
stood up and made me proud, Learn from him.

"Tell them my son how did you manage to be the only one
on that line?"

The man said, "I don't know. My wife told me to stand here."



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Humor Letter, please donate what you can!



Thanks to Kati for this story:

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says,
"I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60,
perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be
silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over
at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth
shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful
your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal
radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says
through clenched teeth, "Damit, woman, can't you keep your
mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not
wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but
took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my
license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't
have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when
you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the
driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE
SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does
your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

"Only when he's been drinking."

____________________________________________________

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
eck Labels For Clothing Care 
Be sure to check clothing labels for recommended care of
the garment. The manufacturer is liable by law for accurate
care guidelines on the label so, if it is ruined, it will be much
easier to get it replaced if you have followed the care
recommendations.


Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com

____________________________________________________

Thanks to Lilly for this story:
During an attack of laryngitis I lost my voice completely
for two days.  To help me communicate with him, my husband
devised a system of taps.  One tap meant, "Give me a
kiss," two taps meant "Yes," seventeen taps meant "No,"
and 95 taps meant "Take out the garbage."



The Shirk Report
___________________________________________________

Although he was a qualified meteorologist, Hopkins ran up
a terrible record of forecasting for the TV news program. He
became something of a local joke when a newspaper began
keeping a record of his predictions and showed that he'd been
wrong almost three hundred times in a single year.

That kind of notoriety was enough to get him fired.

He moved to another part of the country and applied for a similar
job. One blank on the job application called for the reason for
leaving his previous position.

Hopkins wrote, "The climate didn't agree with me."
------------------------
Sounds like Hopkins is one of the Global Warming "scientists".

___________________________________________________


Ophelia Dingbatter's
NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just
jokes and fun for grownups. 
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

____________________________________________________

When the spread of the seals and the fishing by foreign
fleets made fishing less and less profitable in Newfoundland,
Angus and Farley approached the Governemnt with a bid to
dig a tunnel to the mainland. They asked for $100,000 each.

"Considering equipment and labor costs", the Transport Dept
asked them, "how do you propose to do the job for such a
pittance?"

"It's simple," the Angus replied. "My partner grabs a shovel,
goes to the mainland and starts digging. I take another
shovel and start digging from here.
We dig until we meet -- and you've got a tunnel!"

"But what if you never meet?"

"Then you've got TWO tunnels for the price of one!"

____________________________________________________



Today, May 26 in
0017 Germanicus of Rome celebrated his victory over the Germans. 

1328 William of Ockham was forced to flee from Avignon by Pope John
XXII. 

1521 Martin Luther was banned by the Edict of Worms because of his
religious beliefs and writings. 

1647 A new law banned Catholic priests from the colony of
Massachusetts. The penalty was banishment or death for a second
offense. 

1660 King Charles II of England landed at Dover after being exiled
for nine years. 

1670 A treaty was signed in secret in Dover, England, between
Charles II and Louis XIV ending the hostilities between them. 

1691 Jacob Leiser, leader of the popular uprising in support of
William and Mary's accession to the English throne, was executed
for treason. 

1736 The British and Chickasaw Indians defeated the French at the
Battle of Ackia. 

1791 The French Assembly forced King Louis XVI to hand over the
crown and state assets. 

1805 Napoleon Bonaparte was crowned King of Italy in Milan
Cathedral. 

1831 Russians defeated the Poles at battle of Ostrolenska. 

1835 A resolution was passed in the U.S. Congress stating that
Congress has no authority over state slavery laws. 

1836 The U.S. House of Representatives adopted what has been called
the Gag Rule. 

1864 The Territory of Montana was organized. 

1865 Arrangements were made in New Orleans for the surrender of
Confederate forces west of the Mississippi. 

1868 U.S. President Andrew Johnson was acquitted, by one vote, of
all charges in his impeachment trial. 

1896 The Dow Jones Industrial Average appeared for the first time
in the "Wall Street Journal." 

1896 The last czar of Russia, Nicholas II, was crowned. 

1908 In Persia, the first oil strike was made in the Middle East. 

1913 Actors' Equity Association was organized in New York City. 

1926 In Morocco, rebel leader Abd el Krim surrendered. 

1938 The House Committee on Un-American Activities began its work
of searching for subversives in the United States. 

1940 The evacuation of Allied troops from Dunkirk, France, began
during World War II. 

1946 A patent was filed in the United States for an H-bomb. 

1946 British Prime Minister Winston Churchill signed a military
pact with Russian leader Joseph Stalin. Stalin promised a "close
collaboration after the war." 

1956 The first trailer bank opened for business in Locust Grove,
Long Island, NY. The 46-foot-long trailer took in $100,000 in
deposits its first day. 

1959 The word "Frisbee" became a registered trademark of Wham-O. 

1961 A U.S. Air Force bomber flew across the Atlantic in a record
time of just over three hours. 

1969 The Apollo 10 astronauts returned to Earth after a successful
eight-day dress rehearsal for the first manned moon landing. 

1973 Kathy Schmidt set an American women's javelin record with a
throw of 207 feet, 10 inches. 

1975 American stuntman Evel Knievel suffered severe spinal injuries
in Britain when he crashed while attempting to jump 13 buses in his
car. 

1977 George H. Willig was arrested after he scaled the South Tower
of New York's World Trade Center. It took him 3 1/2 hours. 

1978 The first legal casino in the Eastern U.S. opened in Atlantic
City, NJ. 

1987 Sri Lanka launched Operation Liberation. It was an offensive
against the Tamil rebellion in Jaffra. 

1988 The Edmonton Oilers won their fourth NHL Stanley Cup in five
seasons. They swept the series 4 games to 0 against the Boston
Bruins. 

1994 U.S. President Clinton renewed trade privileges for China, and
announced that his administration would no longer link China's
trade status with its human rights record. 

1998 The U.S. Supreme Court ruled that Ellis Island was mainly in
New Jersey, not New York. 

1998 The U.S. Supreme Court ruled that police officers in high-
speed chases are liable for bystander injuries only if their
"actions shock the conscience." 

1998 The Grand Princess cruise ship made its inaugural cruise. The
ship measured 109,000 tons and cost approximately $450 million,
making it the largest and most expensive cruise ship ever built by
that date.
2018  smiled.

 
 

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Well, , that's all for today.

Have FUN !
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